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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in flowrwreathdgrl's LiveJournal:

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Monday, March 5th, 2007
8:05 pm
on dreaming...
Be careful what you water your dreams with. Water them with worry and fear and you will produce weeds that choke the life from your dream. Water them with optimism and solutions and you will cultivate success. Always be on the lookout for ways to turn a problem into an opportunity for success. Always be on the lookout for ways to nurture your dream. - Lao Tzu

Current Mood: pensive
Tuesday, February 27th, 2007
9:44 pm
i am so extremely frustrated. where does one draw the line between one's own personal beliefs and devotion to these beliefs, developed and considered over a period of time, and respect for the beliefs and actions of others? (especially when they categorically differ from your own?) i feel so conflicted. i feel like being a 'good person' means nothing in this world if other 'good people' have completely divergent beliefs from your own. and what to say when they claim theirs are divinely sanctioned?

i am getting so frustrated with the perverse ability of 'religious' people to support their own intolerance. i presume that as i get older i will become 'old-fashioned' and have 'non-progressive' beliefs about some things. but i hope that never encourages me to reject what may one day be progressive which encourages an end to racism, sexism, bigotry, and hatred in general.

i don't even know how to start thinking or talking about what is bugging me. i am so extremely angry, disappointed, and yet unsurprised.

and how to not flounder in a world that encourages such ego, encourages us to hold our own beliefs and conclusions above others'?

i feel so extremely lost and sad.

i feel like so many things i wanted for my world when i was younger are simply impossible - like considerate, objective discussion with people who i care about, free of outright criticism on both sides, steeped in an atmosphere of respect for the other, if not for their belief, and a sincere attempt to understand how the other person's beliefs were formed and the circumstances which led to these beliefs. and, dare i say, an acceptance for that person holding those beliefs - and the beliefs themselves - at least to a certain extent - despite the difference from my own. is that an absurdly juvenile desire? and can i even talk, when i am criticizing the root of certain religious ways of thinking? i just find it frustrating when people claim the divine exists in all - not just in theory, but in truth - and yet then claims a person's beliefs or way of life have become completely godless. i feel like an infinite minority.

right now i feel so hopeless.

please, if you have time, email or write me or give me a call if you can. i would greatly appreciate it, and any time to discuss what is bothering me. i trust all of you friends here and could use some encouragement.

love to you all.

Current Mood: disappointed
Tuesday, January 30th, 2007
10:20 pm
updating after a loooooong time
it seems life is bringing a number of milestones at the moment....

approaching 1 1/2 years in a relationship....

leasing a home....

first time not in school during school year... :)

6 years as a vegetarian....

what does all of this mean?

i sure don't know. it's kind of exciting looking at these things, but life is pretty boring all the same. i'm not so sure i'm grooving with this whole adult thing... yes, i know it had to happen eventually and happened a while ago, but this whole 'no school' thing has sort of compounded that realization. not that only children go to school, mind you....

i feel like i'm being pulled to do half a dozen different things at once and lack the wisdom, let alone motivation and knowledge, to pursue any.

trying to focus on the 'things that matter' beyond the world's list.

feeling small in the above

but trying to fight tooth and nail. :)
Monday, September 18th, 2006
7:37 pm
i am tired. i know that's an extremely generic phrase. we all use it to much, when we really mean we are frustrated or exhausted or tired of dealing with the world. but today i am simply tired.

why is it that wearing heels for three days hurts my feet much more than dancing for hours on end daily ever did? ouch...

yay for having a job. and one where i like my co-workers. that's always a good thing.

and yay for grandmothers who can make almost any simple food taste like it's from a gourmet restaurant.

and for friends who don't care what other people think. :)

hmm... the good things in life... definitely not to be taken for granted.
Monday, November 28th, 2005
7:05 pm
no! end of semester... creeping up.... too much to do.... can't breathe... must escape!
Tuesday, November 15th, 2005
12:12 pm
Baby now has a name! It's very nice, too: KeaganRae Angelo Musillami. So sweet. I will post pictures when I can get some help from someone computer saavy.
Sunday, November 13th, 2005
1:39 pm
my sister had a beautiful baby!
My sister gave birth to a beautiful baby on the morning of the 11th (mine and my aunt's birthdays!) that is wonderfully healthy and weighed 7 lbs. 2 oz. and is 20" long. He is absolutely gorgeous. They all look and sound like they are doing well. And to boot, I get to go see them at Thanksgiving!

Birthday was sort of hectic with rehearsal but fun too - Thursday I went out with Jay and Jackie to Be-Won, a great Korean place on 23rd. Then my director bought me an absolutely delicious slice of vegan carrot cake the following day for my birthday, and we had a crazy run-thru. and the day after I found out about the birth of my nephew! The world is good.
Sunday, October 2nd, 2005
4:06 pm
lalalalala.... oh life, what the hell is this crazy scheme anyway? fall has finally arrived with a vengeance.... i can't decide if i'm happy since it means i get to bundle up and have an excuse to snuggle under blankets, or if i miss the basking in the sun.

auditions for the show i'm going to stage manage today... they went really well and were painless, and i've decided whatever the cast ends up looking like, it will be a fun process. i'd forgotten how much i liked stage managing, just how you get to interact with everyone involved and see bits of all of the production. and it works my brain in a way that acting doesn't. eh. first day, first day...

hmm... i feel really bad listening to friends who are in long-distance relationships, only to think that it'll be five days until i get to see my honey next.... it's so long! gah. i have absolutely no self-will. i hate not being able to constantly be around the people i love. or maybe it's mostly just that then i start continually gabbing about them to everyone they're not around, and then everyone will get tired of hearing about jayden. oh well, cuz that's gonna be a major topic of discussion. :) eh. maybe i'll actually get all my homework done this week. hah! that hasn't happened these past two weeks. eh, it's overrated anyway.

so, have to drop my philosophy of feminism class. pretty peeved about that... luckily, i should be able to just sit in on it. eh. better than nothing.

so i've decided i've got absolutely no clue what i'm supposed to do with my life after this year. it's pretty damn freaky. this year seems sort of cursory, wrap things up here.... but i feel like life is just going in another direction. grad school just seems like such a foreign idea - so weird, since i was completely gung ho until the end of last school year. it just seems wrong to give my life to that when there are so many other things i want to do...

and not only that there are other things i want to do, but other fields to explore. i think if i started college over i would work in psychology/social work/sociology focusing on social justice. lately i keep perusing service oriented non-profits and mission sites... peace corps, catholic workers, etc.... i just feel like i want to go out and make a noise for people that are left on the waysides. but at the same time, i want to have some time to do other things. read. write. maybe act. i just don't want to give my life over to that yet. if ever, really.

if anyone has any insight/information on this enormous plight (snicker, snort) please do share. i'm going crazy! ah..... too bad i've never believed enough in reincarnation. then it'd all be peachy keen, not being able to do everything in one lifetime. eh. nah, i'd come back as a rat or a cockroach or something, with my luck. well, at least i'd survive a nuclear blast. :)

had some fun snuggling with my honey and watching cheezy musicals. it's soo weird.....

i've decided i really like school. i just don't like unnecessary work and profs who make class time endless quizzes or mundane reiterations of what we had to read for homework or spend the whole time philosophizing about the size of their head and how much they think they know and the pitiable fact that we can never hope to attain intellectual equality with them. ugh. and then there's always the jr. high type classes. discuss what you read. summarize what you read. find themes in what you read. god. and people wonder why I'M READY TO BE DONE!

eh..... insomnia is not fun.

neither are 5 am fire alarms. grrr....

funny, i thought the endorphins were supposed to go down with cloudy, cold days.... appparently my body thinks it is on sugar. hmm, maybe this will continue through the week. wouldn't that be perfect! :) see y'all around. there's sunshine somewhere....
Tuesday, September 20th, 2005
8:42 pm
life is so strange. being in a relationship. finally realizing what real senioritis is really like. wishing i could spend my time enjoying the beautiful weather outside and more time with friends. i get enough intellectual discussion then - more than in classes. wishing school were education, rather than AN education. tired, tired, tired. wishing i could still change my major.
Sunday, August 21st, 2005
12:28 pm
oh the lovely life....
hey everybody! yay! summer's wrapping up, school starts in a week.... i must say, i'm not absolutely enthralled about that, but hey. people are returning to portland, it's so exciting! i love this city. i'm finally getting my room organized in my new house. very happy with it and so excited to live with such a great group of women. i'm quite freaked about this year - too many things to do! not that there are many which i'm not excited about, it just promises to be overwhelming. I'm trying to keep myself open to positive energy from all these sources and let what happen may - life's too short to do otherwise.

on a more personal note, i recently had this very fact brought to my attention. life was really overwhelming me a couple of days ago, and a couple of personal issues were stressing me beyond the max, and unfortunately i let those push me into losing sight of other things and i had a pretty bad anxiety attack. i ended up going to the hospital and they ran some tests on me, a couple of people gave me a little lecture, and after a few hours, they let me go. i hope it doesn't sound like i am not taking this issue seriously - really i'm just quite embarrassed at this point, for letting the whole thing get waaaaay out of hand. i am dealing with the things that may have contributed to the attack, and am feeling much better now that i'm a couple days out. i missed a performance of A Midsummer Night's Dream, but the cast went on and they and my director graciously filled in for me that night; i felt better enough last night to finish the run. feel free to contact me by phone or email if you want to know more; i'm more than willing to share, just don't want to divulge more on such a public forum.

today is my second to last day as a desk worker... which is nice. :) i've enjoyed quite a bit of the time, but i've also had some challenges, trials, and simply quite a few hours where i was the only person in a dorm with no tv, radio, or other forms of amusement... don't know if that says i'm boring or what, or just that i'm not suited for a desk job, but i definitely appreciate people who DO spend all of their time before a desk. it's some hard shit. and you simply have to be in the best mood possible working with the public, which is not hard most of the time, but there are the average hard days, and then sometimes you get scads of people to work with who aren't having a great day... those are the hard times. eh. but as i said, there were good times, and it's my second to last day. i've definitely learned a lot. like my body and brain and patience do not like sitting down for more than a couple of hours at a time a couple of times a day if it's for a 'job'. But i figured that was the case before i took the job.

i cut my hair again... finally. it was really bugging me, getting too long. which is funny, because it was just down to my shoulders, and before i cut it in april it was down to my hips... go figure. i actually need to go back and get it redone, because at the length they cut it, it's just going to grow out in another month, and it's tickling my neck in the back. and besides, i've still got enough hair to make quite a decent ponytail, and that's just not allowed. :)

eh... my brain is not wanting to work much today. it's beautiful outside though. i think i'll sunbathe for a while later, or go for a bike ride. should be in the 80s by now... bye!

Current Mood: contemplative
Saturday, July 23rd, 2005
8:52 pm
alright. so many things to say, but don't know how... life feels so damn strange... month left of summer, then back to insanity. went to the park with a friend and hung out for a few hours. had a picnic, swung on the swings, wrestled, watched some little kids with their parents. all very cute.

only one week and then i'm down at ashland for the weekend... nice. i'm excited.

and the weekend after that it's a camping/softball tournament with friends and family.

and two weeks after that is Midsummer Night's Dream.

and then the service plunge the week after that.

and then school.

just one question - where did summer go? what have i been doing this whole time?

i think it's time to become more acquainted with the local trails and my bike and this city and do the 40-mile-loop on my next full day off.

more to come later.
Sunday, July 17th, 2005
7:52 pm
have you ever had a pukey day? not a bad day, not a sad day, nor a crappy day. just a pukey day. and i don't mean literally. yes. i think this is what i'm classifying my day as. pukey. i could go into a lot of details. i could spend so much time rambling on about why today is pukey. but i'm not going to. here's why:

wouldn't want to either write something y'all wouldn't read or something y'all would get worried/sad over.
don't know that it'll really make me feel that less pukey.
don't know that it will make me appreciate life and the world any more.

so. that is why i will not elaborate.
just that it is a pukey day.
the weather was beautiful though.
that is all.

Current Mood: pissed off
Monday, May 30th, 2005
1:51 am
the obsessions
burn all the letters
(someone is always watching)
the government's on the phone
(whether openly or secretly)
burn all the letters
(now breathe life)
send them on
(into your story)
to a safer home
(i said burn it to secrecy)
burn all the letters
brand them in you before you go
soldiers are coming to plunder
but there are some things they will never know

i'd like to say that it was clear to me
love triangle geometry
but in the end it's still a mystery
the placement of affection and the disarray

i gathered up the courage that it took
made that bed i took one last look
and you could hear the pages flapping
(you could hear them flapping)
in the wind blown book of my days
(in the wind)
my days

you've been the hole in my sky
you're my shrinking water supply
before my well runs dry
i'm going round round round the bend
fill it up again

one tank gone
seconds thought are on my mind
what's this trip
gonna cost me this time
the devil i know
is starting to look awfully kind
but the new road is an old friend
i fill it up again

thank you emily saliers for constant inspiration. hmm... i'm thinking of running to the store and getting some new guitar strings between now and when my friend kim gets into town, tuning up my guitar, jammin' a little and starting the lyrics again. i can always have some i.g. keeping me company and helping the thoughts percolate. get some of that, the smell of my new garden in the window, some vegan hot chocolate, my picture mural and some writing to start some ideas... ah, what kind of a perfect dream does that sound like? first fly on the wall? any takers? :)

"mommy, can i be a singer-songwriter when i grow up?"
1:37 am
hmm... where are the photos?
i've decided that i really need to become more technically proficient (aka less lazy about working with computers) and upload some pictures/artwork to my account. yeah.

that is all.

you can quit reading now.

okay, just leave now. you're starting to freak me out.
1:31 am
so, granted, i shouldn't be spending a lot of money right now, especially since i don't have much, but i'm going to.

why you ask? 'cause i need to get my indoor garden off to a start. since i don't have a roommate, the space that would have taken up their bed will be made into an adaptable, movable garden. hehe. fun.

anyway, so i'm going to spend a bit of money on seeds. i got a couple of plants for cheap, but i figured it's worth the money to buy some organic, heirloom seeds from a good company (seeds of change), and know i'm getting something worthwhile that i'll be glad to be eating and will be kind to the earth too. and it'll be so fun - i'll be waiting for seeds in the mail. yippie! :) okay, so i'm officially a dork. who cares.

so i've started that list of 100 things, but haven't finished them. will post them when i do.

thinking i need to break out the crazy stuff and start doing artsy projects again. then i can give my eccentric masterpieces to my zany friends and they can sell them for lots of money when i'm famous/rich/in a looney bin/dead/insert some other strange option here. :)

and good night.
12:29 am
You scored as Sleeping Beauty. Your alter ego is Princess Aurora, a.k.a. Sleeping Beauty! You are beautiful and enchanting, and as sweet as ever.


Sleeping Beauty


The Beast




Peter Pan


Donald Duck






Snow White


Cruella De Ville




Which Disney Character is your Alter Ego?
created with QuizFarm.com

heh. i don't know whether to be amused or upchuck my non-vegan ice cream i shouldn't have eaten. :)
12:21 am
i like this one a little better
You scored as Cultural Creative. Cultural Creatives are probably the newest group to enter this realm. You are a modern thinker who tends to shy away from organized religion but still feels as if there is something greater than ourselves. You are very spiritual, even if you are not religious. Life has a meaning outside of the rational.


Cultural Creative
















What is Your World View? (updated)
created with QuizFarm.com
12:07 am
hmm. that is VERY interesting.
You scored as Buddhism. Your beliefs most closely resemble those of Buddhism. Do more research on Buddhism and possibly consider becoming Buddhist, if you are not already.

In Buddhism, there are Four Noble Truths: (1) Life is suffering. (2) All suffering is caused by ignorance of the nature of reality and the craving, attachment, and grasping that result from such ignorance. (3) Suffering can be ended by overcoming ignorance and attachment. (4) The path to the suppression of suffering is the Noble Eightfold Path, which consists of right views, right intention, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right effort, right-mindedness, and right contemplation. These eight are usually divided into three categories that base the Buddhist faith: morality, wisdom, and samadhi, or concentration. In Buddhism, there is no hierarchy, nor caste system; the Buddha taught that one's spiritual worth is not based on birth.




















Which religion is the right one for you? (new version)
created with QuizFarm.com

huh. yah, christianity was definitely at the top of the list the last time i took this quiz. eh. guess my beliefs are changing. or the manifestations of them anyway. or this is just a stupid quiz. ha. imagine that. ;)
12:02 am
eh. kinda boring.

Your Linguistic Profile:

50% General American English

25% Yankee

10% Dixie

10% Upper Midwestern

5% Midwestern

Saturday, May 28th, 2005
9:23 pm
the hair...
mehness. needing to cut the hair. it is getting much much much much much too long. ha. funny - hair was definitely not too long before i got it cut. want to also dye it with henna, but have heard it will be RED if i do that, and since i am in the show, cannot probably make such a big change. and wouldn't want to then hate it or anything and have to dye it black... though i have wanted it to be that dark again though. :)

only a few weeks until my good friend kim comes out to live in portland. Yay! we are in some ways so alike it's scary. i mean, seriously scary. like, i don't even have to think hard to be telepathic with her, and it's not simply that we have a good friendship, it's that we are seriously the same person sometimes. freaky. i can't wait for y'all to meet her.

seriously want to just take some scissors to my hair right now. am getting very tired of it tickling my neck.

half-watched 'master and commander' tonight (not really though) and got stuck on the soundtrack... it's funny when movies have such a good soundtrack and you think nothing of the movie itself. anyway.

that got me in a writing mood. much of the electra cast went to last thursday at alberta, and now i'm thinking seriously about working again on some artistic stuff i hadn't looked at in quite some time. i've got plenty of time on my hands right now since i haven't found another job, so i think i'm going to get some recipes for stuff on the web, peruse some of my favorite musical and visual artists, and let the creative juices flow. maybe hit up freecycle for some painting supplies.

was also checking a hippie forum (yes, i know) and saw someone posted a list of 100 things that makes them happy. i think i'm going to work on that tonight.

speaking of which, today was so beautiful. perfect weather and lovely sunset.

i hope you're all enjoying the fruits of summer.

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